Step One

Step One...picking a service.  I hopped on eharmony last night just to refresh my recollection, I started the process, and some 25 minutes later, I had finished their damn personality profile. I don't think I will register with them, but still reminded me of how much work the cultivation of a dating profile is.


The weird part about eharmony is the lack of personal stuff it asks...I mean it asks personal stuff, but not say, favorite books...authors...music.  That stuff matters to me. I mean yea personality matters, but so what if we have nothing to talk about because you like Lil Wayne and think that Dan Brown is the Dostoyevsky of our generation? Not to mention what if you are just weird, that inexplicable weirdness that no matter how emotionally available the person is exists.


Sigh. Well I know this is work, and I am willing to put the time in, but I get so damn tired of picking four adjectives to describe myself! Fuck if I know what other people think of when they think of me.


Oh well, just a rant, and I am sure tonight I will put more time and energy into the process. But I wish a dude would just magically pop into my life and wanna be my boyfriend, it would just make things so much easier!

A return.

So this has been largely silent-due to the fact I have not been dating. 2011 rocked me a little bit. I let myself fall a little bit in love with someone who broke my heart without being any wiser.  Then I did the unthinkable and gave someone another chance who NEVER EVER should have had one, and yea, that crash and burned too.  In August I thought there was a turnaround and I got burned again, so with all of that being said I put myself on a self imposed dating hiatus. It was liberating to not just disable but delete my okcupid profile.  The tail end of 2011 was hard, there was grief, depression, loneliness, all of which were mixed in with laughter, love, friendship and good things. 


As I venture into 2012 and what will mark my 35th year here on the planet, I endeavor to open myself up to the possibility of love.  So with that being said, I am going to put myself out there for dating again.  Although I think I am ready to try a different forum. Perhaps match (it is after all where I met Brandon) or maybe something new.  I did the date around and have fun thing and well it was fun, but I want, need, and am ready for something more.


I want someone who inspires me to be the best version of myself.  Someone to share the ups and downs.  Someone to hug me, and knock some sense into me when I need it. I want to travel, laugh, eat, drink and generally be merry with someone who I also have sex with...I know its a tall order, but seriously peeps, I think I am fairly quality.


Could I be prettier? Well no, given this is my face.  Could I be thinner? Fuck yea, only like 1% of the population could answer that with no.  Could I be more stylish? I endeavor to do so...With that being said I am a cute, independent, smart and occasionally hysterical lady, who while rife with idiosyncrasies, has nothing but love to give.


So 2012 I say bring it.

Its been eons.

So its been forever and a day since I posted anything here, primarily because I have not been dating. I will try to recap the last few months for all (or none) of my readers.

Scooter Boy-It ended, not the way I had hoped it would end, with a nice segue into friendship, but alas, I don't think anyone got too hurt. Once he returned from North Carolina, things were just off, we hung out just twice, and then I was busy, and my schedule was hectic, and well I could tell he was growing frustrated over my increasing unavailability. Also, I looked within myself and said, "hey, if you really liked this guy you would make time!" So it just wasn't there. Since we had been dating for a few months, I wanted to have a talk with him in person, I tried to set up a coffee date, to which he responded let's take the dogs to Fort Funston, I replied that I did not think I would have time (it was a workday morning) but if he was free for breakfast that would be good, he then replied by inviting himself over to go to a little diner by my place, at which point I said I had a meeting (I lied) in a different part of town, and could we meet somewhere. Incidentally all of this was via text. He replied in a huf, that it was not working for him, and well that was that. I told him I did not think text was appropriate to have the discussion, he replied he knew what was coming and he wanted to spare himself. Power trip much? So while it ended he never really let me say anything I had to say or to explain that it was not a timing issues, etc, but rather an incompatability issue. So at least that was taken care of, pre-Valentine's Day, which was making me increasingly uncomfortable.

Chef Boy-I almost hesitate to write about him. There are so many emotions, unanswered questions etc. The short answer is we have developed a lovely friendship, the long answer, I don't know when we went from lovers to just friends. In January we had a pretty awesome time together, specialty food show, movie night, impromptu lunch. He has been sick so I chalked up the lack of physicality to that, still making out happened etc. Then I was busy for a couple of weeks as was he. We reconnected and hit the shooting range for a few hours, had a lovely late afternoon lunch at Plow in Portreo, and when I dropped him off, nothing....no hug...no kiss...nothing. Up to that point that had never happened. He was anxious about a potential space for restaurant etc...Fast forward next day, I get super excited text message re: restaurant space being secured etc, he was so happy, and well I thought awesome I am the first person he thought to tell! But then, nothing. I helped him with some lawyerly stuff, he took me to a food tasting party thing, doted on me, told me I was pretty, and a kiss on the lips but not much else. We have not really hung out since then, email still happens etc. Last week he got news that the restaurant deal may go sideways, he emailed me, I called him that evening (a rare thing we never talk on the phone and I think it might have been the first time I called him without a stated reason) I just figured the weight of what was going on warranted a phone call not an email, he seemed a little bothered, and we just talked about how his afternoon meeting had gone etc, he ended the call weird telling me to "be well." So alas, I am fairly certain I am in the friend zone and I am not even sure how I got there, or why? I have never so much as mentioned anything like be my boyfriend or whatever. At this point, I am trying to wash my hands of it. Its hard, I really really like Jess, and not sure if without a little pull back I can do the just friends thing. He and I are suited in loads of ways, but also not in others.

At this point, I need a break. I can't keep putting myself out there to be rejected it hurts and well I am feeling a little fragile about it. I am trying to just be okay on my own etc, but sometimes the solitude is overwhelming and consuming. But hey, last time I gave up, Brandon came into my life.

Well that's all for now, oh except for the Icelandic ex-pat to whom I have been talking.

Decisions...Decisions.

Sigh. For someone who is generally on top of making life decisions, I sort of suck at making those decisions in my personal endeavors. This is clear based on my 8 year relationship with Rick whom I stayed with more out of habit than any genuine enduring love. So here I am, at the beginning of the year, and feeling like some decisions and house cleaning may be in order. Really it all relates to scooter boy, and what to do with that.

He returned from an extended trip to North Carolina on Saturday. We met up on Sunday evening, I made him go to open mic to see my friends Robin and Eric perform. Now here was the first hiccup. I love live music. Many of my friends are musicians, and well I always respect folks who get up in front of a crowd no matter how big or small and perform. I feel like that alone deserves a level of respect. While the music may not have been his style I felt like he was sort of annoyed we were there, which did not win any points with me. Robin and Eric are immensely talented and while the audience was small, I felt like they played their hearts out. We stayed for one more person and then took our leave for dinner.

Dinner, which brings me to my next point of contention. I like Asian food, don't get me wrong, but it is ALL he and I ever eat when we eat out. And despite being from San Francisco he has yet to suggest a single place that has blown me away. For whatever reason he suggested sushi in Japantown. Now for most people in the know, Japantown is maybe one of the worst places in town for sushi. And worse yet, we were both starving. For the record, I love sushi but its not my go to when I am starving its hard to feel completely satiated on a bunch of raw fish. He suggested the sushi boat place for instant gratification. This led to a bit of a meltdown on my part because (1) I do not like sitting shoulder to shoulder with people I know, let alone people I do not know; (2) at most Asian food places patrons smack loudly because culturally its a good thing, its like noodles and slurping, I CANNOT stand it, but get its cultural. So alas it was a miserable dining experience for me, and the sushi was terrible. If you are going to send food around on a boat it should look appetizing. None of the fish was terribly fresh etc. I had tried to steer him away from these choices without being rude but he did not quite get it. I was trying to be nice as well since I know after a run in North Carolina he probably had not had sushi etc...but afterward I made it clear NO MORE mediocre sushi AND never EVER again would I go to somewhere I had to jab someone in the side with because of their proximity to me.

So all of this leads me to the following....I think I need to break any and everything off with him. I am just not that into him. We have fun together, I like having a hang out buddy, and he makes me feel good, but there is too much there that bugs me, and/or reminds me of Rick that I think I should call it all off. But then where does that leave me? I feel selfish for hanging onto someone to hang out with when I know it cannot genuinely progress into something more, especially in light of the fact I am unwilling to stop seeing Chef Boy in favor of scooter boy. So now the painful discussion needs to happen, this just after had a discussion before he left. But I feel him getting increasingly attached, and I am not. Its bad when a few months in you find several things about the person annoying...but that seems to happen to me always. Maybe I am not designed for a relationship, I don't know. Argh....I hate this crap.

On a better note, Chef Boy is back, feeling better, we hung out yesterday, date tonight so yay. Also party tomorrow with several potential suitors I am being introduced to. Alright that's all I got.

Crossroads.

So its been a while. Okay its been a damn long time since I posted anything. I guess there just has not been much to write. I have been seeing Scooter Boy and Chef Boy pretty much exclusively...well what I mean is those are the only two men I regularly date and/or sleep with. Well wait, let me revise, Chef Boy has been gone. This whole time. So we trade emails and phone calls and texts, and he had a brief stopover in SF which led to a lovely leisurely lunch with wine and wonderful food and a little making out, and then poof! he was gone again. Alas he has returned, he called me yesterday in route to inform me he would soon be back in town and I can hardly wait to hang out with him....his emails make me miss him. Given all that I still have no clue what we are doing, what he is thinking or feeling, or where I stand with him. I know that every few days we communicate in some way. I know he sends me links to restaurants and bars that he wants to check out. I know that he seems to want to keep me abreast generally of his goings on....but other than that I remain clueless. Ordinarily I think I would just roll with it and let it go and see what happens. But well there is a wrinkle...and his name is scooter boy.

So yea, things there are great. We have been hanging out on a pretty regular basis maybe once or twice a week, or whatever my schedule provides. We are compatible in a lot of ways, he obviously likes me a lot, and I could actually sense him growing more attached. He was set to head to North Carolina for three weeks right at Christmas. Now we have been dating for just a couple of months, but I knew one of those inevitable conversations was coming. And pow...right before he left it came up, the whole "what are we doing here" conversation. Its always uncomfortable to have that talk, but this was especially uncomfortable because he picked a post coital moment in bed to have that conversation. He said he felt like we should talk before he went away. He also said that what we were doing was unfamiliar to him, that in the past he would meet someone, like them, and then commence to see them all of the time etc....I too have usually done that, but part of this new dating adventure is doing things differently given that what I have done in the past has never actually worked out for me. At that point, I told him I was not ready to have him be my boyfriend. He then asked me three questions (1) could I see the potential for something in the future; (2) did I enjoy spending time with him and did I want to continue to do so; and (3) was I interested in having sex with anyone else. So I had to tell him about chef boy. He was surprised. To say the least. I also let him know I had not been regularly having sex with chef boy because he had been out of town etc....Scooter boy seemed ok with where we left things but since he has been gone, texts and emails lead me to believe that his feelings may be a bit more intense than he let on.

So that all leads me here...to a crossroads. For the first time ever, despite being presented with the opportunity for a monagamous relationship I don't want that. I want to keep my relationships with both going. They are so different, and both offer me something unique, and selfishly I don't want to give up either. I think with chef boy he is emotionally unavailable. Meaning there is no long term monogamous relationship potential there, nevertheless, I laugh with him, I find him wildly attractive, we have engaging discourse and even better intercourse ;). With scooter boy he is solid. He is dependable, he is fun, interesting, smart and more like a boyfriend. We do stuff together with our dogs, he takes me places in SF since it is his hometown etc. I love all of those things about him, but there are also things standing in the way. Physically I am still not wildly into him. Also he sort of reminds me of Rick. He talks a lot but does not seem to follow through with much on a professional level etc....there are other things, quirks that kinda drive me mad, but overall I really like spending time with him and am not ready to bid adieu.

Given all this I am not sure what that makes me. I used to say I was a serial monogamist, sure that the jealous part of me would never be able to have an open relationship, but now I am not so sure. Everything is turned on its head. I am going to give The Ethical Slut a read, but would love others input on this. Maybe I am just not ready for a relationship? Is this normal? Am I being selfish? What should I do about Chef Boy? Should I ask him "hey what are we doing here?" I am concerned and uncertain how the dynamic will change now that he is back in SF with plans to stick around for awhile. Our whole relationship has really developed electronically and by phone, but that relationship started in August and here we are in January that must mean something right? Argh so many unanswered and unclear questions!!!

Updates.

Not much to report. I think I am pretty much sticking with just dating Scooter boy and Chef Boy for right now. Well that is if Chef Boy ever returns to SF. No I jest, he is due back the 2nd. Its funny, I really have no idea what we are doing, where I stand, what he is looking for etc....And just when I sort of resign myself to the fact its simply a casual dalliance he pops in. He sends me little messages via email, like he does not know how to just say hey to me. Example, last night...I got a message with the word "Finally" as the re:, and the text of the email was as follows....

Scotch and Dexter after a long day of errands and housecleaning.

No how are you or anything. We had a rather lengthy email exchange on Friday, and this came yesterday late, so I replied today and we had another lengthy email exhange while he was at the airport waiting to fly to Hawaii. So I am not sure what to make of him. He pops in and checks in every couple of days. I am sort of holding back and letting him iniate contact since its a little unclear what we are doing, and well quite frankly its sort of nice to be pursued on some level. So time will tell what happens with chef boy, he is only briefly back in SF before the Christimas holiday, so hoping we at least get a chance to grab a bite and laze about in bed.

Now onto Scooter Boy. Oh scooter boy, so, so awesome in so many ways. Now I am about to sound incredibly shallow but I wish scooter boy came in alternative packaging. He is not very tall, a bad dresser, cute, but could use some help. However, he is funny, charming, smart, thoughtful, and enamored of me. Now I don't mean to sound egotistical, but seriously it is so f-ing refreshing to be with someone who actually WANTS to spend time with me, both in and out of bed. LOL. There have been several dates, lunch in Noe, window shopping, watching 30 rock at his place, watching sunset at Lands End and hot pot in the Richmond, dog walking at Stow Lake, and linner in the Inner Sunset, korean bbq lunch and shopping in Japantown, with dinner in NOPA. He is continuously attentive etc, and both Sir Trout and Nibbler adore him. We have not really discussed any sort of status of what we are doing etc....so until that time I feel like its perfectly okay for me to see both he and chefboy. If it comes to that discussion, I will certainly need to bridge that divide with Chefboy, as he is the person I would prefer to have a relationship with. Not that a relationship with scooterboy would be bad, just that it seems like we are on different life paths right now, whereas Chefboy and I are a bit more on the same page with respect to opinions on marriage and children.

Alas that's all I have got for now....oh except a shout out for my awesome internet/real life buddy distractionbike....who very awesomely distracted me from work Friday with lunch and museum visit! He is awesome company and I feel damn lucky to be making some pretty amazing friends in SF!!!!!

Encinitas with Chef Boy.

So I sort of snuck away on Tuesday to spend the day and night with Chef Boy down in Encinitas, which is just a touch North of San Diego. Perhaps highly irresponsible but totally worth it. He has been gone for ages, NOLA, NY, Chi-town, and then unexpectedly to San Diego to ail for his cat P.G. who currently resided at his parents house. I got a call from him last week giving me a break down of his plans, and a thinly veiled invite to come hang out. So well I did. We met up for sushi in Solana Beach and had a leisurely lunch filled with amazingly fresh sashimi, sake, and beer. Headed to his parents' place, and well in a word....wow. Spent the afternoon with gin and tonic, watched the sunset from the ocean, hot tub, trivial pursuit, and lots more laphroaig and beer. Woke up with a wicked hangover and an adorable boy in bed next to me. Got up, showered, greasy tacos (hangover cure) watched Wristcutters: A Love Story and I headed back to the city. A brief albiet awesome visit. This boy is totally swoon worthy. But alas, he is back in the City Monday, then back to SD Thursday, Dallas that weekend, then Kauai with his fam for T-Day. Right now I am cautiously optimistic we will hang when he is back in the city, although still confused as to what if anything might come of the whole thing, at least um there is lots of amazing stuff happening in the bedroom.....:) Further updates on the disappearance of the Ginger and scooter boy forthcoming.