Crossroads.

So its been a while. Okay its been a damn long time since I posted anything. I guess there just has not been much to write. I have been seeing Scooter Boy and Chef Boy pretty much exclusively...well what I mean is those are the only two men I regularly date and/or sleep with. Well wait, let me revise, Chef Boy has been gone. This whole time. So we trade emails and phone calls and texts, and he had a brief stopover in SF which led to a lovely leisurely lunch with wine and wonderful food and a little making out, and then poof! he was gone again. Alas he has returned, he called me yesterday in route to inform me he would soon be back in town and I can hardly wait to hang out with him....his emails make me miss him. Given all that I still have no clue what we are doing, what he is thinking or feeling, or where I stand with him. I know that every few days we communicate in some way. I know he sends me links to restaurants and bars that he wants to check out. I know that he seems to want to keep me abreast generally of his goings on....but other than that I remain clueless. Ordinarily I think I would just roll with it and let it go and see what happens. But well there is a wrinkle...and his name is scooter boy.

So yea, things there are great. We have been hanging out on a pretty regular basis maybe once or twice a week, or whatever my schedule provides. We are compatible in a lot of ways, he obviously likes me a lot, and I could actually sense him growing more attached. He was set to head to North Carolina for three weeks right at Christmas. Now we have been dating for just a couple of months, but I knew one of those inevitable conversations was coming. And pow...right before he left it came up, the whole "what are we doing here" conversation. Its always uncomfortable to have that talk, but this was especially uncomfortable because he picked a post coital moment in bed to have that conversation. He said he felt like we should talk before he went away. He also said that what we were doing was unfamiliar to him, that in the past he would meet someone, like them, and then commence to see them all of the time etc....I too have usually done that, but part of this new dating adventure is doing things differently given that what I have done in the past has never actually worked out for me. At that point, I told him I was not ready to have him be my boyfriend. He then asked me three questions (1) could I see the potential for something in the future; (2) did I enjoy spending time with him and did I want to continue to do so; and (3) was I interested in having sex with anyone else. So I had to tell him about chef boy. He was surprised. To say the least. I also let him know I had not been regularly having sex with chef boy because he had been out of town etc....Scooter boy seemed ok with where we left things but since he has been gone, texts and emails lead me to believe that his feelings may be a bit more intense than he let on.

So that all leads me here...to a crossroads. For the first time ever, despite being presented with the opportunity for a monagamous relationship I don't want that. I want to keep my relationships with both going. They are so different, and both offer me something unique, and selfishly I don't want to give up either. I think with chef boy he is emotionally unavailable. Meaning there is no long term monogamous relationship potential there, nevertheless, I laugh with him, I find him wildly attractive, we have engaging discourse and even better intercourse ;). With scooter boy he is solid. He is dependable, he is fun, interesting, smart and more like a boyfriend. We do stuff together with our dogs, he takes me places in SF since it is his hometown etc. I love all of those things about him, but there are also things standing in the way. Physically I am still not wildly into him. Also he sort of reminds me of Rick. He talks a lot but does not seem to follow through with much on a professional level etc....there are other things, quirks that kinda drive me mad, but overall I really like spending time with him and am not ready to bid adieu.

Given all this I am not sure what that makes me. I used to say I was a serial monogamist, sure that the jealous part of me would never be able to have an open relationship, but now I am not so sure. Everything is turned on its head. I am going to give The Ethical Slut a read, but would love others input on this. Maybe I am just not ready for a relationship? Is this normal? Am I being selfish? What should I do about Chef Boy? Should I ask him "hey what are we doing here?" I am concerned and uncertain how the dynamic will change now that he is back in SF with plans to stick around for awhile. Our whole relationship has really developed electronically and by phone, but that relationship started in August and here we are in January that must mean something right? Argh so many unanswered and unclear questions!!!